Yo to all you hommies from the South Ward
I know it’s been ages since my last update and but to all my concerned fans out there I’m still alive and kicking. Apparently since Easter 08 when I went AWOL the southend email has gone into meltdown. The lads have been inundated with emails and phone calls from adoring male and females fans. All I can say it’s been an interesting 7-8 months. The boys in particular that penny pinching treasurer Pete were stoked as I was no longer using boardriders funds to travel the world.
Well my last blog saw me in Hawaii about to catch a thumping swell at Pipe. It was my last surf in Hawaii before some serious shite hit the fan but let me start by saying that I was on fire out da pipe. So here’s the John Dory...... It all started when I paddled out. I sat quietly watching the locals + pros get some nice big pits. After 15-20 min I paddled over and sat 10m deeper than Jamie O’Brien + the Pussycats (aka Wolfpak) and boy where they pisssed. I swung around late and pulled straight into a 10ft bomb. Once I was set bang out of the sky a drop in. Nearly clipped me as he went straight to the bottom and I somehow managed to miss the carnage and made the barrell. I paddled back out and all the local yokels were giving me shite telling me to beat it. I told em where to shove it and went deeper again. I sat there with Jamie O (who was totally stoked that someone charged as hard as he did) and we started chatting. He said to watch the Wolfpak as they are not happy campers. A few minutes later another wave missed 2nd reef and this 10-12ft bomb peaked up on 1st reef. Jamie O called me into it and so I had to go. I made the beyond vert take came square off the bottom and set my line and you wouldn’t believe it the bang same thing happened. Another drop in. Again I missed him and I came screaming through the biggest barrell I’ve had in ages.
My state of euphoria was short lived as I saw these muppetts from the Wolfpak laughing. I was so pissed and paddled straight back out breathing fire. I paddled over to these dogs and grabbed the biggest bloke there and rammed his head into his board splitting his head and breaking his nose. Now the locals were loosing it. I called them all to have a go at me on the beach 1 on 1. When we got to the beach there were 15 of em waiting but I was angry. I took 3 of the biggest fellas on 1st. 3 hits 3 knock outs. The next guy was some Ju Jitsu champ but a few punches to the noggin and he was no more. I ended up nailing 9 of them before they ran away and left me alone. Unfortunately during the fights someone knocked my board off so I marched to the carpark went over to the crew who I’d just beaten to a pulp and asked where my board was. They said nothing but I saw the fins hanging out of the back of this big fark off truck. I calmly walked over and let fly a side kick which hammered the door of the truck. I grabbed a brick lying next to the car and smashed the window when this massive big Hawaiin came up and said that’s my car.... They were his last words as I smacked him in the mouth gave him a few big hooks and it was lights out for the big guy as he hit the ground. I grabbed my board and yelled at these w*nkers play with the big boys and you gonna get hurt. As I walked off home to the Billabong house to chill one of em yelled watch your back aussie.
Later that night there was a small party going down at our pad and some of the people there mentioned that apparently the rumour mill was running rampant on the North Shore as news had spread of the fights. Some rumours were
*I’d been murdered by the Hui
*I was in hospital all buckled up after the flogging I had copped
*I had fled the country as I was shiting myself
*Eating all the pizzas and dohnuts to become bigger than Elvis so I could fake my own death and move to the Bahamas
*Hiding out in the pineapple fields on magic mushies
but my favourite was that I had fled the country to join Osama Bin Laden’s tea towel headed army in Afghan
By 10pm the party was in full swing and everyone was getting a little loose so I got in the ear of these 2 hot young ladies who had been checking me out all nite and we decided to enjoy a little private party of our own in my room. Needless to say it didn’t take long for the action become X rated. After a huge day I was quite enjoying this little love triangle I was in and I was just getting into a good rythmn when the music sudenly stopped. That is odd I thought. 30 seconds later a knock at my door and the fuzz charged straight in and arrested me. I got dragged to Honolulu police station via the bumpiest road ever. They phone booked me a few times when I got to the station and then charged me for 10 counts of assult. I got my mug shot taken and they let me go at about 3am on the condition that I report to the cops at pm every night till my trial. I knew that the last bus to the North Shore left at 11pm so what else does an aussie do in Honolulu do? Go mad and enjoy the nudie bars. As usual it didn't take me long to catch the eye of this glamour dancing away in one of the strip joints and before you know it I was back at her pad going for it like rabbits.
As daybreak broke I chewed off my arm and snuck out of her place without getting caught and jumped straight onto the next bus back to the North Shore. With massive amounts of head noise and the thought of being someone big Hawaiians biatch in the big house didn’t appeal to me much so when I got back to the North Shore I swiftly packed my gear said my final goodbyes and Andy Irons god bless his sole drove me straight to the airport so I could get the hell outta there ASAP. Using my charm I snivelled my way onto a flight sweet talking a georgeous hostie and I somehow got past the US customs guys without being marched back to the cop shop. By early afternoon I was well on my way back to good ole Sydney by early afternoon.
In coming weeks I’ll post stories about the the Jim Beam Tag team weekend that the Southend boys entered earlier this year and my ill fated / debaucherous trip to Bali with Rodg, Mini Winny, Ralphy and Porno Paul, Sboogis and Maso. Hear some of the crazy tales the boys got up to on this trip and the low down from Bali’s seedy underbelly which eventually lead me to having an steamy intimate affair with world famous bodyboarder Chapelle Corby.
|